Sam got back from the office tired and worn out, it had been a really long day. As it is the usual practice, his CEO had made him work for hours non-stop with just ten minutes break and more than 4 hours overtime. Sometimes he feels like resigning but he loves his job and it caters for his needs, though the stress was killing him.
As he was about to fix a quick dinner, he remembered that Ini-Oluwa, his girlfriend called him earlier in the day. He immediately dropped what he was doing and picked his phone to call her, though he had sent a text to her earlier.
“Hello bae” he said immediately Ini picked the call, He fell in love with the Sege character in the popular TV series-Jenifa’s diary and had since been calling Ini ‘bae’, Ini never complained, in fact she loved it till tonight. “Hey, what do you mean? Are you some local boy in a television series and I a razz and uncultured girl? Why will you be using that accent on me all the time?” Sam was dazed, he didn’t know what hit him, but he quickly recovered and apologised.
But he was not prepared for what was came up next. “So why didn’t you pick my call earlier today? Oh! You were too busy for me right? In fact, I am disturbing you now, don’t worry, no be me dey call you?” Sam tried to talk, to explain to her that he had been busy and he had texted her because he couldn’t pick her call, but Ini won’t stop ranting. When Samuel could not take it anymore, he dropped the call and went back to the kitchen.
At the other end of the line, Ini was shocked Sam could drop the call on her, it was after the call that it dawned on her that she had taken out her anger and frustration on Sam again, something she had promised never to do again. She had prayed about it, went for counselling in church, but this habit is like a demon that won’t stop plaguing her.
Earlier today at the office, she had suffered a harsh rebuke for someone else’s laxity. Her boss’ words were hurtful, he practically blamed her for the failure of her department to meet an important deadline even though she had worked extra time to ensure the completion of the assignment. Ini was like a woman possessed by a strange spirit as she drove home from work. She shouted at almost everyone she met on the road, almost all motorists were not good drivers, while some were too fast, others were too slow for her liking; anyone who does not know her would think she is a psycho.
After realizing her mistake, she called Sam but he did not pick the call, after trying a few more times, she gave up. But so early the next morning, she was the first person to knock on Sam’s door, thank God it was a weekend. Sam opened the door for her to come in without saying a word to, he didn’t even reply her greetings.
Being a man of few words, Sam went straight to the point “Ini, I know that you are here to apologise for last night, right?” He asked, looking at Ini. “But you don’t need to”. He continued, “what is the use of an apology when you will still do the same thing again? I am sorry to tell you, but I am seriously reconsidering this relationship.” On hearing this, Ini’s shoulders dropped, just when she was thanking God for bringing Sam her way after countless heartbreaks, she is losing him again, losing him to her uncontrolled temper.
Although Sam was still talking, Ini’s mind was miles away. In her heart, she won’t be shocked if Sam had broken up with her, though she thanked God he did not. Who on earth want to marry a woman with complicated anger issue? Her case is complicated because it is that of transfer of aggression.
What I Learned From Ini’s Story
I bet we have all experienced transfer of aggression at one point or the other in our life. If you have been a recipient, you will agree it is a painful thing to experience, getting all the heat for someone else’s fault is just not cool at all.
I use to say that anyone transferring aggression is going through a brief period of madness..Yes! real madness, now ask me what I mean. A mad man is right in his own mind, in his own world, though his actions and words may not have any meaning to a mentally stable person. When you are transferring aggression, you are like that mad man, those feeling your heat are lost on what is up with you, they are wondering what they have done wrong to warrant such treatment because to them your behavior doesn’t make sense. But in your own mind, you know what you are doing, your emotion have beclouded your judgement so much that you are angry with the whole human race.
Just imagine picking your phone to call someone and you are scared of hearing her voice because you don’t know if she will be in a good mood, you are scared someone must have pissed her off and you don’t want to take the heat, how would feel? Hurt i guess..yea! Or perhaps you are married to a man who you need to be wary of; who you need to first observe his mood before you talk to him when he comes back home…Who knows, a motorist might have gotten him angry on his way home and you don’t need to do anything wrong for him to shout and snap at you. Just imagine such scenario and you will understand why Sam was reconsidering his relationship with Ini.
An uncurbed transfer of aggression aside from being a display of madness, is also a shift of responsibility and it is a pointer to the fact that you aren’t ready to change and act aright.
Another cogent thing to note is that you lose valuables when u transfer aggression, valuables that may never be recovered. For instance, Inioluwa have lost Sam to some extent because of this demon of hers, of course except she sits up and work hard on her attitude and relationship, for a man to say “I am reconsidering our relationship”, it means he is really reconsidering or perhaps considering an alternative.
Consider this also, if in one of those acts of Inioluwa, Sam found succour in another lady who is more calm and collected than Ini and made up his mind to go for the lady, Ini won’t just lose Sam that she loved, she will also cause herself trauma that take a long time to healed.
Transfer of aggression or inability to control anger may also mean lack of integrity. From the analogy above, INI had promised severally to stop getting angry but she failed to keep her word and the moment one fail to stand by one’s word, then one’s integrity becomes questionable. We must learn to say sorry when we mean it, not just because of courtesy or moral dictate (see 7 reasons not to say ” I am sorry)
Maturity is also key in anger control. This connotes having the ability to control your emotion, to be in charge. Anything done out of anger cannot be done well, you will most likely overreact, more reason you need to be calm. Don’t make Peter suffer for the sin of Paul, it doesn’t make sense. He who has no control over his emotion is like a city without wall, stop expecting people to understand you, that is why it is not called ‘people’s control’s but SELFcontrol, you will have to take charge of your emotion for the power lies in your hands.
Also, there is a need to learn how to compartmentalized our live and avoid spill over. By spill overs I mean allowing an issue in an area affects another area. That is where Ini failed, she ought to leave office hassle in the office and not being it into the relationship. You may wonder how that is possible, but it is not hard at all. Make up your mind to leave issues where they happened, never make a someone suffer for the sin of another and put in conscious effort to live by it everyday.
Gentility or calmness doesn’t translate to stupidity, it only makes resolution of matter easy. Decide not to trade blame or transfer aggression again, lest you lose things of importance to you which may be irrecoverable.
Hope you got something from Ini-Oluwa’s story? Don’t leave without dropping a comment below. Cheers!