|Getting over an ex is something you do consciously, time will heal you but you may waste lots of time if you neglect wisdom and courage|
So we read about Tade and Jane and how their relationship unfortunately crashed in the first part of this post (In case you haven’t read the first part of the series, don’t miss it, follow this link How to Overcome the Demon Called Ex Part 1 ). Many are in the same situation Tade was in and they are wondering if they can ever get over the ex they loved so much. Hummmmm sigh. Will you believe me if I tell you that you can get over that ex and move on with your life? Hold on, I know it seem impossible right now, I mean she/he is the first on your mind in the morning and the last at night, so how on earth can you get over that? Especially when everything around you brings back the memory you shared.
Calm down, I know what you are going through, I’m here to help, well, at least I hope you will find these tips useful.
1. Accept he/she is gone: Until you reach the reality and acceptance stage, you can’t move forward in getting over your ex. Somehow, we all have different levels of strength emotionally, for some people, they are ready to move on in matter of days, but to some others, it can take a whole year to finally accept their ex is totally gone, believe me, some will even be waiting for the ex to come back o, in some cases, it happens, but in most cases, it doesn’t, but why spend a good part of your life waiting for something that may not happen? Especially when the said ex made it clear to you the relationship is over? It is not easy to accept that phase of your life you so much cherish is over, but then, like David encouraged himself in the Lord, you need to also encourage yourself. Find the inner strength to move on, it is your life after all.
2. Cut The Ex Off: I am not saying hate your ex, I am not saying detest your ex, but what I’m saying is, for a certain period, it is better you keep off and focus on yourself and it doesn’t matter on which side of the divide you are, either you are the one that broke the relationship or your ex did, just keep off for a while. Look at it this way, how will the conversation look and feel like, before now, you two can spend hours talking, but now, you can barely talk for two minutes without the whole thing turning awkward. I sought the opinion of some friends on this issue and Clement said: ‘I have used this conversation ever severally… By answering and concluding at the same time how are you… I’m fine o. Thanks. My regards to your…. Lobatan’.
Speaking further, he said ‘In most cases, keeping in touch with an ex is not advisable… It’s just too much heartache and conversations would always be weird… I had this Deeper Life babe who was always trying to keep in touch and she gets hurt at the slightest jokes’. Temmie said ‘…it hots too much… U end up even monitoring each other… And again regretting… Y u even let go in d first place… Lol’.
Even if you still want to be friend with your ex, it should not be immediately after a breakup; no injury gets healed if one keeps digging at the wound. I know keeping off totally maybe hard, but this is the best time to use your head and not your heart.
3. Don’t Stalk Them: Gone are the days you need to move around to stalk an ex, but thanks to information technology, you can stalk your ex right from the comfort of your home, especially if the ex is social media savvy. Before the break up, she can change DP for Africa, but because you are constantly checking up on her, you noticed she hasn’t changed her DP just once all through the week so you begin to think she is definitely missing you; whereas, the poor girl is having the busiest week of her life and social media is the least of her concern. When you stalk an ex, you will mislead yourself, causing more heart ache. Another lie we tell ourselves is, ‘I just want to check up on him and be sure he is fine’. Biko (please), who are you? The savior? So if he is not fine, you will go and rescue him right? This will lead us to the next point.
4. Stop Bothering about your ex’s welfare: So you are stalking to know if he is fine? Or you are calling everyday to be sure she is ok? Here is the hard truth I learned in a hard way, the moment a person breaks up with you, you are not obligated to care for him/her the way you used to. This doesn’t mean you turn to another side when they need help, but you going the extra mile to play a ‘guardian angel’ is off the table. I know it may seem strange at first, but you will get used to not caring deeply about your ex anymore.
5. Meet new people: I didn’t say meet new lover, I said meet new ‘people’. I know getting out of your shell may be a little hard after a break up, you just want to remain in your comfort zone and sulk, but trust me, getting out of there will do you a lot of good than you can imagine.
A couple of years ago, I was trying to get over someone, I was at that stage where I no longer feel so sad or heartbroken anymore, I was just bored, and I started missing him cause of the boredom, the memories of the past was my solitude each time I felt alone, it was so bad I started feeling sad and lost again, then I visited Nairaland and saw some comments with links to join some bloggers’ group, immediately I joined these groups and I never regretted it. Then on Facebook I saw another link for a group created by some old friends, and that was the craziest of all (let me keep the rest lol). After I joined these groups, I became busy online, especially on Whatsapp, it was even hard to keep up. Sometimes I would wake up to about 500 or 1000 messages, please tell me how on earth one can be bored. I learnt new things, I got better in blogging and writing, I even got more creative ideas.
My point is, it is good you make new friends, do new things, step out and have fun when you are trying to get over someone. But mind you, I am not saying go to a club or party and get yourself drunk o, that will only dull the pain you are going through for a while, but meeting genuine friends and doing more of what you love will help you fill your time.
6. Pray: I am sorry to go religious on you, but this worked for me, and it can work for you too. I realized we all have different level of attachment to our exes and if care is not taken, we may carry the shadow of an ex all our lives. There are people today who are married but are still wishing they are married to the person they fell in love with years ago. If you allow that to happen to you, you will not have a fulfilling and happy romantic relationship no matter how much your current lover is trying to please and satisfy you. Reason I recommend you pray in any way you know how to. In my case, I pray The Lord remove any attachments and I also prayed the Lord take away anger or resentment from my heart because I felt cheated.
I am not saying everything will just fall into place like magic but I believe The God that created the soul knows how to heal you and give you the strength to move on.
- Don’t Get Caught Up in Their Confusion: So he loves you so much and still broke up with you? Are you a learner? That’s your heart talking, not your head. Someone who truly loves you will stay and fight for you. Of course I must say there are few exemptions, there are cases where he truly loves you but then there is no parental approval or things like that. But even at that, you should not allow your ex to mess up your emotions further. He/she has already told you there is no way you two can work, so what are you still doing together? He broke up with you, but he still calls you regularly, chat you up and even encourages you to visit him? Please let me ask, to what end? Or better put, how long will you continue to work around in a circle? You may not know it, but he is moving on already, she may be leading you on, confusing you with different signals and at the same time dusting the list of her toasters to see which can replace you. More reason to follow the number one advice… Keep off!
Like Clement said: ‘It’s a bit tricky… There is no universal solution in all circumstances, it all depends on the ex and what is causing the continuous attachment’.
In conclusion, the most important thing is that you apply wisdom in how you handle things and moreover, don’t be led by your heart, but by your head.
So how do you think a person can get over an ex? Let me hear from you.