How To Handle Your Past In A New Relationship (Concluding Part)

How To Handle Your Past In A New Relationship (Concluding Part)

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I am sorry this is coming really late, here is the concluding part of the Tosin and Samuel’s story, if you missed the first part, follow this Link

like I said in the previous post, Tosin made a mistake, is the mistake telling Samuel about her past? No, but let’s examine where she missed it.

Telling her past a little too soon was her major mistake, telling a potential spouse your past is something you must do, something we all must do, we owe them that information. However, while the past can be described as the road leading to where we are today, our past is not who we are. When two people of the opposite sex meets and they are considering a relationship, what they first try to do is to create interest in the other person, and to do this, they want to know more about that person.

The first thing to do is ALLOW THE PERSON KNOW WHO YOU ARE first before dealing with who you used to be, WHO YOU WERE, that way, they have the complete picture. Indeed some years ago, Tosin was a reckless teenager who allowed a boy sweet talk her into having unprotected sex which resulted in a pregnancy. But she has grown up and worked on herself, she is now a better person and it took her more than 8 years to get to where she is today, but she didn’t allow Samuel know who she is now and who she wants to be later in the future, all she did was to introduce Samuel to who she was which Samuel obviously did not like. You just met a person, and after telling your name, state of origin and where you work, the next thing you say is how many boyfriends/girlfriends you’ve had, how many people you’ve had sex with, how you’ve been a member of a gang before now and so on.

The question is, is that who you are now or have you changed?
You may say “but should we not take people for who they are?” in this case Tosin just presented herself to be a single mother and nothing more, at least, that was all  Samuel knew, that was the first impression and remember the first impression do last long, if not for a lifetime.

You may also say “if they were meant to be, that would not have happened”. But then, something will happen if we allow them to happen, the Bible says “wisdom is profitable to direct”. What will you say to a guy who missed a contract cause he overslept, when given query, abused his boss and later got fired, will u say he wouldn’t have been fired if the job was his in the first place?

We are all not the same. Some people are a bit myopic, you may need to make some calculated attempts to impress them and make them accept you and your baggage. But some other people are more matured, they are really deep and perceptive, lay all your cards on the table the first time you meet, tell them how terrible you have been, they still wouldn’t give up on you. All they care about is knowing who you are now, the potentials in you and who you may be in the future. But you may not be able to differentiate one type of person from another on a first date. More reason to apply wisdom always.

in summary, allow them know who you are now, then unveil who you used to be, but with wisdom of cause. Someone suggested we can pose it as an indirect question then watch how they react, for example, you might say “a friend of mine has this issue”, tell your story in between then watch their reaction, it will most likely lead to what next you should do.

Howbeit, this is one thing you shouldn’t do, don’t intentionally try to cover your past, that is being unfaithful and untruthful. When the truth comes out, what you will be dealing with will be greater than what you were trying to cover up, your integrity and trustworthiness will be put to question and you may not be able to prove your innocence no matter how good your intentions were.

Moreover, there is hardly any way you won’t lie if you try to hide your past from the closest person to you, something may point to it one day, what will your defence be? What will you do if your partner hears about you from someone else? Will you deny it?

There is also a need to be watchful and make most of the opportunities that will help your story. There are times we do not intend to share something but a circumstance may make us to, so watch out for these circumstances. You may not need to be all formal to share a past, remember you aren’t sharing so that you can be judged, you are sharing so the other person will know your story, and this is what he/she should be doing every day. For example, you guys may be talking about a bad boy you both know, if he isn’t too judgemental or hard at that time, you can tell him about a bad boy you’ve dated before, especially if there is anything spectacular he should know about that past.

Lastly, any time you chose to share your past, always have it in mind that you are facing the possibility of a rejection or break up, better to be prepared than to be thrown off guard. And in case this happens, know for sure that it is not all about you, I mean, we have all done something we are not so proud of in the past, but the issue is them, they have built a beautiful castle in the air and the reality you present may crash it, so instead of facing reality, they chose to run. You did the right thing by coming out clean, and they also did what they know how to do best under the circumstance, it is now in your place to move on.

To whom it may concern, you weren’t there when it happened, you didn’t witness all the tears of regret, the agony and frustration. You didn’t see all he/she went through to correct that mistake of the past. I bet you don’t know that sometimes, she cries herself to sleep in the night even after a decade. You may not know his past is the reason he lost his smile, maybe his mistakes took fun out of his life because he regrets them every day. Why then do you need to add to the travails by being judgemental? Train your mind to take people for who they are, let it sink to the depth of your soul that people should not be judged by their past situations or mistakes. You think you are holy and pure? In another person’s estimations, you may be despicable. The shiny precious gold has a past, it was once smelly, dirty, and rough.

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